No two people, no matter how similar, will have the same reaction to a film, story, or experience even if watched together or shared. In essence your reaction to something is a solitary act, something you can rarely pre-empt or control. This is why porn is destructive especially in a relationship. The rise of the internet and social media puts a wealth of knowledge at our fingertips and makes intimacy between 2 people ever more precious and to be cherished. Porn is often packaged as an exciting choice for the more adventurous, but what it explores is something that detracts from, dilutes or destroys the intimacy in a relationship, something that can be fundamentally destructive and detrimental. Something that has such an effect on the intimacy previously enjoyed by two people can easily become something ignored, hidden, secret- an elephant in the room perhaps.
But it doesn’t have to stay that way.
The method of introduction to it, the reason for exposure is irrelevant. The reaction to and aftermath of it is what matters. If this is a problem for you, if it has been allowed into your relationship whether by consent of you both or as something you engage in privately and alone, do not keep it hidden. Do not allow pride to deny you the opportunity to tackle the tricky subjects or have the awkward conversations. Take heart from your courage and face it head on. Have faith in your relationship and its ability to withstand such an erosion or invasion of intimacy. Accept what has happened and put together a plan of action to prevent it from happening again. Work hard to establish new mindsets, new habits, fruitful habits that are healthy and affirming. Fix your eyes on what is pure and holy. Make your thoughts blameless and righteous and align your words and deeds with them.
All this is possible. It will take the swallowing of some pride initially and the swallowing of more pride as you work through it. It will involve challenging your mindsets and changing your paths and picking new ones. Romans 12:2 says ‘do not conform to the patterns of the world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind’. But overcoming it, putting it behind you and repairing the relationship are things you can do, things you need to do. Porn does not have to be the elephant in the room, but not tackling the reasons behind why it got elevated to that status in the first place, will only encourage something else to take its place. Evaluate how and why porn became a problem and look carefully at the reasons you felt something was missing from the relationship.
I believe in a God who heals- emotional wounds, physical wounds, broken relationships, everything. And one who can break chains, remove addictions and change lives. He can do this for you. He can remove the hole porn will leave in your life. He can remove the guilt and give you worth beyond yourself and your selfish desires. He can use all things for good and has plans for you. Great plans. Plans that are bigger than this struggle. God’s plan for your relationship is not porn. Don’t waste your potential by staying where you are at. Strive for more, aim higher, you can do and be better.
Porn doesn’t need to be the elephant in the room- it doesn’t need to be there at all.