Porn. Tricky one. It’s one of those slightly nervous look both ways and whisper the word kind of issues. It’s one of those issues you don’t like to discuss in case people think you’re a perverted weirdo hiding some shameful secret or abusive past. Predominantly people think that porn is a male problem -one for the men not the ladies. But we live in a culture where the porn industry is estimated to be worth around $13 billion (around £8 billion) and 28% of people admitting sexual addiction are women. So it’s not just a guy thing. But still so many women keep it hidden like a dirty little secret. If we are bombarded by thousands of adverts and images selling us sex in some guise daily why is it still so taboo? Why don’t women want to talk about porn?
1. They live in fear of the condemnation and judgment it can bring. When does it become a problem? Does it make them perverse and warped? Many women obsess over whether nude tights were a risky choice with a skirt this short and whether their selected shade of lipstick is too much so facing a giant like porn head on and admitting it’s a problem is daunting to say the least. Women fear castigation and don’t want to seem dirty and tainted.
2. Pride. Pride can be an incredibly destructive and restricting. Pride loves to keep things in the dark- hidden and locked away. Pride loves to tell you that that thing you said you’d try once out of curiosity but have somehow ended up watching everyday is not a problem. Pride loves to seduce you with justifications that you are different, that normal rules don’t apply, that you are the only one feeling the way you do and especially that no one would understand.
3. They are scared of the Pandora’s Box it can open up. I mean very few women, especially Christian women mindful of the no sex before marriage rule and the clear stance the Bible takes on sexual purity want to be the ones who admit to having a compulsion to the stuff. So many women spend so much of their lives questioning themselves. I know I do. And to start to unpack the reasons why people get so addicted to porn, really getting to the root of the issue is tough. Battling with an issue so commonly associated with men has its drawbacks. It makes finding someone you trust so absolutely that you would dare to tell them something so intimate and personal no mean feat. In fact it can be terrifying.
4. Society dictates that as liberated 21st century women we shouldn’t be afraid of sex in fact we should love it and everything about it. The sanctity of sex and the impact it has our lives has dramatically changed. I am no prude. I do not live in a Christian bubble and am not ignorant about what society, Cosmopolitan magazine and my friends say about sex and porn. The world says it’s ok. Liking porn as a woman should empower you and elevate you to Sex and the City level ‘enlightenment’ but the truth is it often and quickly becomes a habit, then a problem and out of that spiral is spawned a whole lot of loneliness. Christian views aside no one chats casually about the ugly side of porn- that sense of emptiness and alienation.
5. Guilt. It props up a detestable industry that relies upon the abduction and trafficking of women, supports and occasionally endorses violence against women and, at the very least champions the subordination of women and a sleazy and ugly misogyny we should have left behind decades ago. Many men struggle with the emotional quandary of watching porn behind partner’s back but as a single woman these reasons among many others are enough to leave me wracked with guilt.
There is nothing positive and good about porn. It promotes short-term gratification whilst masking long-term destructive spirals. It often starts as a curiosity but ends up in a fixation. I know why women don’t talk about porn. I am a woman. But I will not stay silent about the destructive nature I have experienced of porn and I will not leave shrouded in darkness what can be cast out into the light. If it’s something you struggle with, talk to someone. Don’t keep this as your dirty little secret.