“Though the companion of your choice were in all other respects worthy, yet he has not accepted the truth for this time, he is an unbeliever and you are forbidden of Heaven to unite yourself with him. To connect with an unbeliever is to place yourself on Satan’s ground. You grieve the Spirit of God and forfeit his protection”.
There’s not much to say after that, is there? For months now I’ve been grieving the loss of you and begging a pleading with God to give me you. One day God led me to a passage out of a book entitled, Testimonies on Sexual Behavior, Adultery and Divorce.
How can you start off on the wrong foot and not expect to be on a crooked path’s journey? You can’t, not without God’s help and I obviously was not inquiring of Him as of what to do. If I had, I wouldn’t have experienced as much pain as I did.
I really loved you.
Despite the other women, the lies, the selfishness, the moodiness, the broken
promises…I still loved you.
promises…I still loved you.
When God finally revealed to me what love truly was about, I became confused. You mean love’s not supposed to hurt, I’m not designed to feel lack in a relationship and love is actually a healthy thing?
But I loved you and it felt anything but good. And if I’m really honest with myself the only time I felt loved, wanted, desired, appreciated was when you were in my bed. I thought we were making love, but what we were making was a mess. We used the illusion of sex to avoid pain. The pain of the disappointment from life’s experiences, the pain from the abandonment of those closest to us and the pain of the uncertainty of our future. For the brief moments of pleasure in a sexual relationship, we could escape reality.
What we did not realize in the law of nature, is that sex is designed to bond you to another, despite the circumstances. The more we hurt, the more sex we would have, and the bigger mess of our lives we would make. Now I was bonded to something God never gave me, I simply took.A year later I still get the shakes as if I’m a junkie getting off of coke. I know it’s no good for me, know it will ultimately kill me and yet sometimes I feel like I will do anything and risk anything for that one last hit.
“God, I know he doesn’t love me as I deserve. I know he has other women. I know he’s not faithful to You, so how could I expect him to be faithful to me? I know all of this, God but please influence him—no make him love me.”
God would remain silent and the eerie void was suffocating, so while an alcoholic runs to the bottle, I would run back to you. Just one last conversation, one last kiss, one last night in your arms and everything would be alright.
But it never was and it never could be, because I was asking God for love and you’re not it. God promised to give me the desires of my heart, not the aid to my addiction. I was so fixated on you, I had forgotten what I asked God for way before there was a you.
Way back when my parent’s divorced, when I was introduced to Barbie and Ken dolls. Way back when a guy I had a crush on for six years told me that I was ugly.
Way back then, I asked God for love and He has shaken heaven, Earth, my heart and this relationship to deliver just that…
True love, and this ain’t it.
Written by Shellie R. Warren