Cold feet. That’s the best way to describe how I felt when my sweet, smart, loving, committed boyfriend of four years started bringing up the subject of marriage.
Believe me, not in my wildest Barbie and Ken doll dreams did I envision that my “almost proposal” would end with me having feelings of hesitation. Like most women in the early-30-something demographic, I remember at the age of 7 being awakened by my mother in the middle of the night to watch Princess Diana wed Prince Charles in that totally fanciful-borderline-unbelievable wedding ceremony. I also remember going back to bed thinking, “That is what I want someday.”
I thought someday would have been here by now. Several boyfriends, even more sexual partners and one late fiancé’ later, here I stand. Single. And, if you catch me on the right day, I’m even a little hot and bothered by it.
But, really now. Who can I blame? Like I said, I had the opportunity to go from “Ms.” to “Mrs.” I had a man who was totally devoted to me and making my wedded bliss fantasies come true (give or take a few thousand dollars). But, even with all of the love and time that he, I, we invested into our relationship, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it or my heart in it; something just wasn’t right.
A very wise man once said, “When in doubt, don’t”, but to be honest, that was not an adage that the women in my family adhered to very well. I come from too long of a line (on both sides) of “I’m in doubt, but I will, anyway” brides and as the therapist on the new HBO series, “In Treatment” once said, “We unconsciously repeat the patterns that were modeled to us in our childhood.”
So, I figured since I was cut from the same cloth then I was destined to wear the same kind of dress; one draped in fear, regret and repetition (most of the women in my family have also been married several times). If not now, eventually. Of course, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it at the time. I simply believed that if there was ring to wear, then that would also be the cross I had to bear. I mean, if he loves me, I mean really loves me, shouldn’t that be enough? My mind was telling me “Yes”, my heart was telling me, “Maybe”, but oddly, my feet were yelling, “Heck no!”
OK, but if that were true, what has all of this time been about? What good can come out of losing one of my best friends as the ticking clock bongs louder in my ear? What if I never get the chance at even an “almost proposal” again?
You know how when people have a near-death experience, they often say that their life flashes before them? I definitely think a broken heart qualifies. I say this because one day, in a daydream, in the midst of my tears and confusion (just because I didn’t want to marry him doesn’t mean that I didn’t love him), I saw my past loves flash before me. Only they were all in the middle of a large field and I had on a blindfold.
At first, I felt really disoriented. As I took a step forward, I could hear a voice saying something, but I couldn’t quite make it out. As I took a step backwards, I encountered a similar experience. I took a moment to be still and really listen to the background noise. I realized that these men were yelling “colder” and “warmer” at me based on the direction I moved.
It took me a moment, but it wasn’t long before I recognized the voices. There was the second sex partner I had my sophomore year in college. He was yelling “cold”. There was the guy who kept me on the down low for years. He was yelling “colder”. There was even the guy I fell in love with in my mid-20s. He was yelling “warmer”. But then, I heard the calm voice of my “sweet, smart, loving, committed boyfriend of four years”. Do you know what he said? “You are getting really warm now.”
And bam! I got it. He’s my “warmer” guy!
In this joy ride we call life the dating game is a lot like the “Hot/Cold” game that I played as a kid. No matter who the guy is or how the relationship ends, if you get still and listen, you will hear them say something that’s vital in getting you to your final love destination. If you are making decisions that are moving you farther away from the true and lasting love of your life, everything about the guy will be screaming “colder”, but as you mature, hopefully, you will encounter men of character and quality. The bad news is that they may not be your husband. The good news is that they very well could be bringing you one, two or ten steps closer to him.
Yeah, if you’re still ridin’ solo like me, that may not be providing you much comfort on those cold and rainy nights, but trust me: Knowing what you don’t want is just as important as knowing what you do want when it comes to the “til death do us part” chapter of your memoir.
I understand how you feel, though. I don’t know where I am exactly in my personal love story at this time, either but I’ll tell you what. Since making the decision to do what’s best for me; to listen to my heart, mind, body and soul; to not settle for good when I can have the best, my feet are losing their chill.
And, everything is getting warmer again.
By Shellie R. Warren