Sex can mean many things and happen for many different reasons- an expression of love, a release of completely natural but sometimes overwhelming feelings or urges, an act of rebellion, an expected rite of passage, but the feelings that come with sex quite often don’t marry up with what people expect. I know people who have felt guilt, regret, shame, hurt, pain, pride, envy, passion, love, and a cocophony of emotions in between. What I mean by this is that sometimes the outcome of sex is not always positive and that you don’t always get what you bargain for.
For me sex became a currency with which I could buy back control over my life. Control over feelings of not being good enough, control over not feeling beautiful, control that I had to cede in other areas like uni or work. It allowed me to shut off my feelings (or so I thought) and detach emotionally from it. I got my kicks whilst not requiring the intimacy I kidded myself I did not need though desperately wanted. As crazy as it sounds I relished having this level of control over my life even at the expense of my happiness. I did not expect a fairytale ending but I was not adequately prepared for the consequences either.
The time in my life described above was a lonely and isolating time, desolate and self-destructive. It aligned itself with other destructive behaviours and negative thought patterns. It damaged me emotionally, and almost fatally wounded me spiritually. But when I did move past that time in my life- partly by growing up, partly by removing myself from situations it occurred in and by working hard on my thought patterns- there were still ramifications. Spiritually the healing came a lot later.
When I did find God and invited him into my life again I learned to forgive people, received his forgiveness and after a while learnt to forgive myself too. Accepting that forgiveness and fighting to regain the innocence that was lost and establish purity as a theme in my thoughts, words and deeds is tough but doable. It was worthwhile and beneficial and will continue to bless me I’m sure.
Sex never comes with no strings attached.
I naively thought I could handle it, that I was mature enough and untouchable but I wasn’t- I got hurt. My hope is that people thinking of some no strings attached ‘fun’ don’t believe the hype or the myth that everyone’s doing it and that it’s fun and sexy. Not everyone is doing it, it’s not always fun or sexy and it comes with physical, emotional and spiritual risks. More than that though, I hope people who have been in that place or similar realise there is an exit strategy. Take heart, have hope, you can always be so much more than you are now. This is not all there is to you and you are not confined to or defined by this.
Written by Sara Bennett
TweetMe @Sarallam
Check out her personal blog HERE