The word depression is over and wrongly used. When I talk about ‘depression’, I don’t mean feeling upset or low after a tough day at work or a fight with a friend. I mean the condition. The condition that debilitates and incapacitates you. The diagnosis that can affect you in every way imaginable. We all have bad days. Days when we wish we could stay in bed and ignore the world and all of our responsibilities. Days when our moods go up and down more times than a busy elevator. Days when we wish we were invisible. But a ‘bad’ day every so often does not mirror the realities of living with depression. No, the realities of living with this condition are very different.
So what does living with this condition look like? A diary entry may look something like this:
MONDAY
Stayed in bed, dozing in and out of sleep. Someone knocked the door around 4pm – it could’ve been anyone but whoever it was I couldn’t face seeing them anyway. Missed my GP appointment this morning, could’ve get it together to get there. I doubt there’s anything helpful they can say anyway. Lied to my mum and said I was working overtime and couldn’t come to see her as I’d planned. Why am I the only person who feels like this? Why can’t I just snap out of it?
TUESDAY
Another day in bed. Called in sick. Couldn’t cope with seeing anyone. I know I’d have only burst into tears. Realised that I haven’t washed my hair in 6 days but I still have no motivation to do it. Even brushing my teeth is an effort when I think about doing it. I haven’t cooked a meal in 5 days and it feels like I’m living on air. I just want to sleep until I didn’t feel like this anymore. No-one understands how it feels. No-one really gets it.
WEDNESDAY
Managed to get up at 2pm. Tried to make an omelette, dropped the egg on the floor. Left it there, gave up on the cooking and went back to bed. Ignored yet more calls and text messages and cancelled plans for tonight saying that I had a migraine. Tried to pray but God’s too far away, if he’s there at all. Woke up with a headache, took a sleeping tablet and went back to sleep.
Each person’s story is different and living with depression will mean different things to different people. Maybe you don’t screen calls or cancel plans, maybe you skip work and spend days in bed instead. You may not neglect yourself and maybe you isolate yourself from your support network. There is no ‘normal’ or ‘textbook’ way of coping, but one thing stands true for each individual – THERE IS HOPE.
There is more for you than this. Depression is not the end. You can refuse to accept this as your fate and fight it until you win. I don’t say this as someone who is simply telling you to ‘snap out of it and pull yourself together’. I’m saying this as someone who has massively struggled with depression and nearly lost the battle more than once. I’m saying this as someone who has fought it and now fights to make sure that it never comes back.
So what helps? Letting people in, accepting help and breaking the cycle. It is so easy to get trapped in a vicious circle but there is hope. Professionals are there because they know what they’re doing – follow their programmes and take their advice. Cling to hope and belief in yourself.
The journey won’t be easy. It will be bumpy and uncomfortable but the destination is beautiful. There is never a valley without a mountain – it may be a difficult climb but the view from the top will be worth it.
Written by Jess Wilson
TweetMe @msjesswilson